The shittier things get…

the shittier they become. Our failing economy is nothing more than a blip on the radar screen of time and money. What is time? What is money?

These are questions I would investigate with Owen if he were here. He would ask questions that could take me away from the here and now, and he would wonder why I didn’t have the same orientation. His questions would force me to focus my attention elsewhere, anywhere. He would make me laugh. He would play music. We would listen together, and reorient ourselves, so that time and money would be nothing more than a backdrop to a spot of light, a place of peace, a time of timelessness, a particular note or phrasing that would let me choose a new landscape for the evening. I miss him even more when the world seems dark and cruel, even unpredictable. It’s always unpredictable, he would remind me. “Whatever’s gonna happen, is gonna happen, Mom.”

It’s odd to say I could miss him more. I miss him so much all the time. How could it be more? Because, sometimes, I miss him more. That’s all.

Nat keeps me in the here and now, and reminds me that we live here – we live now. He’s more grounded in this world, and I appreciate his place and time. It’s mine, too. But, I’d rather not acknowledge it sometimes. I like to visit it, and feel the weight of our circumstances. Nat and I question the same inevitable outcomes that Owen and I questioned, and we hope for better ones – because we’re together here, now.

After Nat and I discuss the day’s events, he goes to bed to read. I go to the piano where I search for sound, or the backyard where I search for stars, or the computer where I search for others searching for answers. We’re a good team, Nat and me. We always were.

Dave listens to me. He cries when I cry. He shares what he can’t share with others. And, in those moments of sharing, I realize how lucky I am. When things get shitty, Dave gets gritty, and I smile at how lucky I am. I…am…so…lucky.

Song for the night: Optimistic, Radiohead (I will always wonder what Owen felt when he hit the water: was he happy, was he relieved, was he angry, was he conscious, was he betrayed, was he alive, was he optimistic? He was…beautiful.)


~ by Linda on September 29, 2008.

4 Responses to “The shittier things get…”

  1. Yes, these are different times we’re living through now. A time that Owen didn’t see.

    But finally, world events will carry on as they will. Nothing important really changes. It’s the same as it ever was – and Owen was so right about that.

  2. Oh, and thanks for the Radiohead. I hear a lot more Radiohead now, thanks to you and Owen.

  3. In the profoundly uncensored wisdom that was, and is Owen, I am constantly transported to those moments where optimism embraced reality.
    He had a gift for that—and a gift for acceptance of the inevitable without being afraid.
    The shittier things got, the more courageous he became.
    I draw from that.

  4. Linda,

    I completely relate to what you are saying here. My son drown three months ago, and I too have moments when I miss him more. Like today, with election results in. I share your pain and wish you peace.


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