Crazy, just like you…

or me…or pretty much everyone I know.  Crazy – I love how we throw that word around as easily as “sweet”.  If you use it too much, it loses any real meaning.  Thank god, AND how sad, that we use our words hoping for understanding, and find none, or in the best of cases…a little.

Parents who’ve lost their children to early deaths, all know what it’s like to feel crazy.  We can’t imagine it really happened to our kids, to us.  We constantly question the what-ifs, the I-should-haves, the if-onlys.  We can’t help it.  It’s that thing about making that promise to our kids before they’re even born, that we’ll always be there for them.  We were, we are, we always will be – in one form or another.  Not a territory belonging only to parents…as brothers and sisters, grandparents, aunts and uncles, and…friends, and all the others who loved them…we’re all freakin’ crazy.  Sweet, how we all get it.

Losing any loved one can make us feel crazy.  I remember losing my dad, my mom, my son, my friends…you think you’re crazy???  You are.  And, you’re not.  You’re grieving, and very few people will allow you the time and space to return to yourself, your new self.

“I remember when I lost my mind…” anyone seen it?  If you have, please send it home.  I’m missing it.  I miss Owen and our family’s life before he left, and I think you’re crazy if you don’t get it.  It’s okay if you don’t get it, and you think we’re crazy, or…if you think you’re crazy, too, you’ll fit right in with my crowd.  We’re all crazy, and it’s not because we don’t know enough.  Oh, that’s right, we don’t know enough, so maybe if we knew…Naaah.  We’ll always be crazy when it comes to the questions of Owen’s disappearance.  There’s no such thing as control in this case.

“Come on now, who do you, who do you, who do you think you are?  Ha ha ha.  Bless your soul.  You really think you’re in control?  Well… I think you’re crazy…” 

Last year, on March 24, I received several phone calls about my friend’s brother’s death.  I was devastated for my friend, for her family, for his wife and daughter.  Jesse was 33.  He was robbed of a life he had every intention of living into old age.  The sweetness of his life was taken, in just a few random, criminal minutes.  Nothing sweet about that night, except the years he’d lived beforehand, in all his relationships…and now, in memories.  Crazy.

Memories…sweet…crazy.

What makes me crazy?  Nothing, and everything.

Song for the night:  Crazy, Gnarls Barkley

http://youtube.com/watch?v=bd2B6SjMh_w

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~ by Linda on March 24, 2008.

4 Responses to “Crazy, just like you…”

  1. Linda,I so feel or pain & craziness , I have also been CRAZY, FOR ALMOST 10 MONTHS NOW !! Does it still seem like yesterdat,ABSOLUTLY! Sending peaceful days your way I know they are so hard to find.Knoy your blog helps me. Love Sandy Shanes mom, your friend.

  2. Sandy, I was thinking about you this morning, knowing you would understand this blog in the same light it was written. Thanks for commenting when you can. I know you’re out there, and I know we’re in this thing together. I hope you’re doing alright. I would say “great” but I know better than to say something to a grieving mother, that will just sound trite. “Have a great day” just sounds so ridiculous now, eh? So, hey, have a day, and keep waking up to have another one. There’s always something to learn, and we have people who love us, and whom we love. Or, just go for it, and have a CRAZY day…Love, Linda

  3. 🙂

    Good read! Thank you!

  4. LOOKS LIKE I BETTER LEARN TO SPELL! LOL. KEEP UP YOUR BLOG, THATS WHAT STARTS MY CRAZY DAYS & THEY ALL STINK STILL, MAYBE BETTER SOMEDAY. NO GRANDKIDS , STILL FIGHTING CITY HALL & WICKED EViL MOTHERS OF THE CHILDREN WE RAISED, GOING BROKE GETTING NOWHERE! YOU UNDERSTAND. SO I HAVE TO MISS MY WONDEFUL SON & HIS 3 WONDERFUL CHILDREN. LOVE, SANDY

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