The Canvas Can Do Miracles

Someone posted tonight’s song on youtube the day before Owen’s memorial service last year.  I found it tonight.  This song was a favorite of mine, many years ago, when I thought dreams really could come true.  Some of my dreams did come true, and the song has remained a favorite. 

It’s not just the melody and the words…it’s the feel, the waves.  My dreams – well, there were so many.  I’m in the midst of creating new ones; remembering the old ones, and thankful that I lived them out; while painting the new pictures.  This job of creating new dreams, is one of my hardest efforts now.  How do I create new dreams, when one of my lead characters has left the scene?  I write the play with the rest of us, that’s how. 

I’m looking for my new never-never land.  I’ve always looked, and often found it, right here within my circle.  I’ve found it in freeze frames, those that live in my mind’s photo album.  They are alive in the sounds of laughter, in the smells of birthday candles just blown out, in reflections appearing in dining room mirrors, and in hands softly stroking the hair on young men’s heads – and often, in stroking my mom’s silky hair, colors grown old with age. 

I’m afraid I’ll never find the innocence of joy again.  Innocence – that feeling that left me long ago, is a thing I remember.  I want it back.  God, I want it back. 

Today was filled with memories.  I shared them with my sister-in-law.  I exposed myself, and our most recent stories of Owen’s last days – not that any of those stories are confirmed.  Only, that the stories are out there, becoming part of our small town’s mythology.  We visited the River, and the kids who hang out there.  This, they confirmed: they’re not telling us anything – we have to do the work.  

While we do the work, we sail. 

Song for the night:  Sailing, Christopher Cross


~ by Linda on March 8, 2008.

One Response to “The Canvas Can Do Miracles”

  1. The pain of losing someone never goes – but it does get easier to cope with.

    I think I understand what you mean about lost innocence – you can no longer imagine a time when you believed that such a terrible thing as Owen’s death, couldn’t happen. Because it has happened now – and innocence once lost remains lost.

    There will be new dreams – and Owen’s presence in your heart and memories will be part of them. Trust me. I’ve been there.

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