Life Block

…has it all over writer’s block.  Life block hits when your life catches you in mid-sentence, like the proverbial deer in headlights.  Life, as you knew it, just stops.  Losing Owen stopped my life in its tracks. 

If you think fast, and can run and climb hills adeptly, life block will disappear – and the deer will live another day to forage for food, to create offspring, offering up hope for the circle of life.  Or, so I hope – for my family, for me, for my friends. 

I was reminded today that while I go through the motions of my life, grieve incessantly, and look for ways to move into my altered future, I’m not doing much that takes care of me.  I’m looking for that thing that takes care of me.  I’m afraid, it’s me.

I didn’t need to pay a professional to tell me this, but somehow, although I’ve been telling myself the same thing for months, I didn’t believe it until I wrote that check.  Why don’t I listen to my own sense of survival, before reaching out to hear the advice of someone with credentials in this area?  I don’t know, but it kinda sucked.  And, kinda hit me between the eyes.

I’d rather take care of my family, or you (just let me know, and I’ll make every effort to offer a tidbit of my experience, with the hope that it may enhance yours), for free (uncredentialed, of course).  It may not serve you, but writing that check today, may not serve me either.

On the other hand, if this professional’s advice proves to be true, I would gladly hand over more of my hard-earned dollars.  I’ve never experienced writer’s block, but this life block thing – crudely accurate the way she described it, and I heard her.

Owen had life block on occasion, and talked about it, but called it something else.  He called it “life ain’t what it’s cracked up to be”.  Maybe he was right, and I, in the aftermath of losing him, still expect too much.  Maybe he expected too little, maybe too much.  Where’s the middle ground here?  And, what happened to great expectations?

I know one thing.  Whatever your life’s expectations, they are your expectations.  No one else will ever understand them the way you do.  Don’t fight it, just go with it.  You’re the best creator of your future.

Nat is creating his future, based on a compilation of his past plans and his newly revamped plans.  It’s not easy, considering that his pre-Owen’s-dead desires, have changed somewhat.  His basic plan is the same, but he’s learned a lot through our difficulties with public servants.  And, he questions whether he wants to be one of them (paramedic).  He’s doing the work, though.  He’s running fast and climbing the hills, so I feel comfortable with his path.  It’s not me that matters, in relation to what he wants out of life.  I hope he’s finding that middle ground, but continues to reach for his great expectations.  Hopefully, Anna and Ruby are his great expectations, and career plans will be good enough.

Is “close enough” good enough?  One of my former bosses thought so.  She said it was the way of the world in her neighborhood, Australia.  I never could grasp that concept of “close enough is good enough”.  I reached higher, and found lows so profoundly disturbing, that I thought I was failing.  I didn’t fail.  I learned. 

Reach, and learn.  What do I know now?  Close enough is, indeed,  good enough, if you’re happy with it.  How high have you set your bar?  Try just one rung higher, and see what happens.

Song for the night:  Good Enough, by Evanescence (set to the movie “Great Expectations”)


~ by Linda on January 24, 2008.

One Response to “Life Block”

  1. Occasionally; someone on our path shoots an arrow of truth straight to our heart/soul. Oftentimes it is a close friend, sometimes an ‘authority figure’, and rarely a truely great professional ‘listener’. You seem to have found a great one. Perhaps a few more sessions could light your way like a small flashlight in the dark, and maybe lesson your stumped toes on this unplanned road. Which doesn’t mean you will always need this help – I am not a fan of theis ‘professional listener’ role myself; having less than stellar models of such, as seen when I had to use them through no particular choice of mine or my family’s. I have spoken as a colleague (in Education circles)with great ones; so I know they exist. However I have found my great “truth” moments with good friends. And the cost was usually coffess/dessert or lunch; with the true healing time of simply letting me ramble on about nothing and everything in the grieveing process. So take what you can glean from any source that works for you in your life/your family/your circle until you can stand on your own feet again (if unsteadily at first). I promise from the other side of this mountain; that the sharp pain will ease and soften with time (much time); and your memories will stay sharp with all the little moments of beauty from his life as you add many moments of beauty from the future with your family (and Nat’s).

    I came to your blog today to send you a gift; then got sidetracked when I saw this post. I found something, quite by accident this morning; (while popping in on a few blogs to read) that I thought would resonate with you. The product is a Tee-shirt (long or short sleeved) Cardinal red in color and just jumped out when I saw it and made me think of you and your search for beauty. It reads “ART iculate the Beauty” with a terrific graphic of a stylized bull to the side of the words. the whole website is dedicated to tee-shirt designs for young people of Muslim faith (which I am not) and the company is run by college kids in Minnesota (if I remember right). I think you might enjoy owning one of these shirts for your “better days” when you want to celebrate the beauty. Here is the site and the page for the shirt:

    Hope the fleeting beauty can be harnessed today for a little while; namaste, Talula

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