Analytical minds and limited information…

don’t make a good combination.  I am a problem solver.  In order to solve a problem well, and offer several options for reasonable outcomes, information is necessary.  What we have with Owen’s death, is very little information.

The information we do have is disturbing, and most of it is still not open for discussion, as the police investigation is ongoing.  I spoke with the detective on Owen’s case last Thursday, and while there was a sliver of hope in one area, there was an onslaught of disappointing news.  It’s hard to recover from these discussions, but every piece to the puzzle helps us move forward.  Like my friend, Jeanne, said about 2 weeks after Owen’s body was found, “Linda, I hope the missing pieces to your puzzle are simply under someone’s couch, and haven’t been thrown into the fireplace.  With your analytical mind, I can’t imagine how this is torturing you.”  Well said, Jeanne (and thanks for our last outing for dinner – it was good for all of us, I think).

People often ask me if things would be easier if we knew what happened that night.  I can’t know.  Several things come up when I’m asked this.  First, not knowing what happened practically forces us to envision all the possibilities.  Second, none of those possibilities are less painful than any of the others.  Owen is not going to call me tonight when he needs a ride home from work, no matter what. 

Is it better to think of our son being murdered, than it is to think of him accidentally slipping from an unsafe bridge in the middle of the night, knowing he was not a good swimmer?  See the dilemma?  All those other possibilities?  None of them seem better, less painful.  Our hope in finding the answers, is that we can grieve in a fashion appropriate to that particular type of death, whatever it may be.  As it is, we get the unforgiveable gift of all manners of grief. 

Once I can write freely about the information we do have, this process (not grieving, but writing about this experience) will, indeed be easier.  Right now, it’s something to keep me tied to the world, without forcing my family to talk about it constantly.  They are trying to get through their days the best way they can, and we support each other as well as we’re each able on any given day. 

I’m lucky.  I have friends who are able to talk about Owen openly, and who knew him well.  And, still others who allow me the freedom and lack of judgment to talk about him, though they knew him only through me.  Thanks to all of you. 

Giving the recent information to my family last week, did, in fact, offer some relief.  Not the momentous relief we would get from knowing the cause and circumstances, but just knowing the police are still engaged in the investigation was helpful.  I will never stop asking.  Information is what I need, and information is what I intend to get.  How, is a question for our creative minds, and how well the authorities do their jobs.  So far, our creative minds may be the best hope.

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~ by Linda on August 19, 2007.

3 Responses to “Analytical minds and limited information…”

  1. What are you, *****mind?

  2. What *******mind?

  3. Spell much Soozee? Must have been after you hit the wall, eh? Love you, Linda

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